I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Randomize
