Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
just found out that she named her cat after me.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
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