Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.