I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
