she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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