my sisters under your porch take her home
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
