I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
