You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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