I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
