they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
