Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
