I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
