What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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