Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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