Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
