You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
