I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I wannas sexs uuuuu
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
