I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
