I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
