When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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