Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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