it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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