I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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