also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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