even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
