i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
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