Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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