Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
They are going to name an STD after you.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
