there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
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