What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
