Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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