i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
