i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Randomize
