My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
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We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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