I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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