Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
