I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
