I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
