I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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