All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
