i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I would fuck him just for his dog
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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