Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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