He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
