I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I want to have your abortion
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
