Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
