I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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