i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
