loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
