I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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