I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize