Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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