Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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