I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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