I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
