my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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