And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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